Memorable quotes for
"Law & Order: Criminal Intent" (2001)

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[Opening title narration]
Narrator: In New York City's war on crime, the worst criminal offenders are pursued by the detectives of the Major Case Squad. These are their stories.

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Detective Robert Goren: No, no, no, I know that anger. I should have seen it coming.

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Detective Alexandra Eames: You two have a play date?

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[to Goren, after meeting an unusual witness]
Detective Alexandra Eames: I didn't know you had an older, geekier brother.

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Detective Robert Goren: One thing this line of work teaches us is that guys will do anything for love.

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[referring to notes on Goren's desk]
Detective Alexandra Eames: Admirers?
Detective Robert Goren: No, reporters. They want a comment.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Can they print a hand gesture?

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Detective Robert Goren: Yeah, he's crazy but you're evil.

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Captain James Deakins: A name with no horse...

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[Eames mentions dating and the other detectives stare at her]
Detective Alexandra Eames: Well, what was I supposed to do when I was pregnant? Sit home and knit?

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Detective Alexandra Eames: Bad news comes in all packages.

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[looking at a dead man in subway]
Detective Alexandra Eames: A disposable partner; who would have thought?

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Nicole Wallace: The greatest detectives in the world - you have to wonder about people who need such positive reinforcement.

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Detective Alexandra Eames: When tourists take a bite of the Big Apple, the apple isn't supposed to bite back.

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[looking at Goren with exasperation]
Nicole Wallace: Trespassing? Next thing you'll be handing out parking tickets.

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Nicole Wallace: Tell me, did your sister let you keep the sonograms so you'd have something to cuddle up with at night?
Detective Alexandra Eames: [angrily] I see my nephew three times a week. Being pregnant was a great experience, Nicole. Consider yourself robbed.

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Captain James Deakins: [referring to a related murder case in another precinct] I'd say they put in about 2 hours' work and called it quits.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Maybe because they had about 2,000 other homicides to solve that day.

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Detective Robert Goren: [opening up a container of very nasty smelling cheese] That's 'rogetta'.
Detective Alexandra Eames: You can tell that just from the smell?
Detective Robert Goren: Label.

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Detective Robert Goren: [entering a warehouse with a strong coffee smell] Do you smell it?
Detective Alexandra Eames: I'm getting a caffeine buzz just breathing it in.

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Detective Alexandra Eames: [after reading an article by a lawyer killed by a hitman] Sounds like Old MacDonald rubbed some people the wrong way.

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Captain James Deakins: [referring to a case of mistaken identity] They wacked the wrong lawyer.

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Detective Alexandra Eames: [watching Goren playing with the skull of a corpse] You keep doing that, I'm gonna drop this kid right here.

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ADA Ron Carver: I don't know whether to laugh or cry. You have an offended mobster and his son. A case of mistaken identity. An incompetent hitman. A hitman's widow. A hitman's missing sister. A corrupt cop. And now another dead killer. It's operatic.

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Detective Alexandra Eames: [listening to a self-defense story] Self-defense works for me.

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Detective Robert Goren: Sweet isn't it? Revenge.

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Captain James Deakins: [referring to a cop being taken away] So much for passing out brains with those gold shields.

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[after viewing their dead suspect who is a fashion photographer]
Detective Alexandra Eames: As murders go, it's pretty flashy.

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ADA Ron Carver: [after helping the detectives get a confession out of a woman conducting brain research] So she had the lesion and she committed murder. Doesn't that prove Dr. Buckman's theory?
Detective Robert Goren: She wasn't driven to kill out of rage, she chose to kill out of love.
ADA Ron Carver: Love?
Detective Robert Goren: It's a many-splendored thing.

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Detective Robert Goren: Cat got your tongue?
[indicating one of several body parts in the anatomy lab]
Detective Robert Goren: Because there's an extra one here.

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Mr. Smythe: Four counts of manslaughter. That's what I get for overestimating the intelligence of a grand jury.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Just be grateful the D.A. let you off with a plea bargain.
Mr. Smythe: I don't consider shutting down my website a bargain. All right, Joanie and Chachi, right? This is the last chat I have for them.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Thank you, you can go do your little dance in Hell now.

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Detective Alexandra Eames: She got her hands on this, why she didn't run?
Detective Robert Goren: It wasn't about that, it was about him.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Men come and go, but diamonds...
Detective Robert Goren: Diamonds don't keep you warm at night.

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Detective Robert Goren: Boo! Made ya look!

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Detective Robert Goren: When I met you, you wanted me to see who you truly were - how smart, how funny, how charming you were. You wanted me to see you, Nicole, the sparkling little girl who survived a horrible abuse with her wits intact.

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Detective Alexandra Eames: He'll get over it... just like Peter Bonham

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ADA Ron Carver: Is it cult? Mind control?
Detective Robert Goren: Yes.
Detective Alexandra Eames: No.
ADA Ron Carver: How reassuring.
Detective Robert Goren: They use the same psychological coercion as cults.
Detective Alexandra Eames: So did the guy who sold me my car. No one forced those people to stay last night.

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Detective Alexandra Eames: You should see me in a blue dress.

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Detective Alexandra Eames: In this neighborhood, the Neighborhood Watch watches the cops.

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Nicole Wallace: Keep your hands on deck. We don't want you playing with your pistol under the table.

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Captain James Deakins: His life sounds like a Graham Greene novel

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Detective Robert Goren: Well, she didn't believe in heaven and hell, so how would she know the devil was massaging her neck?

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Detective Alexandra Eames: We have that Ukrainian politician to thank for that.

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Detective G. Lynn Bishop: If it's all right, I'd like to go with you.
Detective Alexandra Eames: [Eames is pregnant] Sure, you can carry me up the stairs.

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Detective G. Lynn Bishop: He killed her over a toy boat?
Detective Robert Goren: You know men, they get very attached to toys.

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Detective Robert Goren: So you're not that special... Welcome to the human race!

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Detective Robert Goren: So that's what revenge tastes like - a mouthful of ash.

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Detective Robert Goren: [to Nicole Wallace] You use sex as an exercise in self-hatred.

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Detective Alexandra Eames: What is that?
Detective Robert Goren: Fish scale.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Great, she was attacked by a shark.
Detective Robert Goren: Sharks don't have scales.
Detective Alexandra Eames: [rolls eyes]

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Detective Alexandra Eames: Sex fiend and a bully, politics is a perfect place for him.

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Detective Mike Logan: You want fun? Date a cop.

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Detective Robert Goren: Wait, you can't leave now that the cat's out of the bag!

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Detective Alexandra Eames: A divorce lawyer - the gift that keeps on giving.

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Detective Robert Goren: [searching the apartment of a murdered Russian writer] She has legal pads filled with her handwriting. She still wrote in Russian.
Detective Alexandra Eames: Don't tell me you speak Russian.
[Bobby turns and stares at her blankly]
Detective Alexandra Eames: Oh, brother.

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Detective Alexandra Eames: [seeing Goren reading a book written by a suspect] What are you doing, underlining the dirty parts?

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Detective Robert Goren: These quick-release knots are really... quick.

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Detective Robert Goren: What's this here? It's a trans-dermal patch.
M.E. Rodgers: Could be a pain killer or nicotine patch.
Detective Alexandra Eames: To bad it wasn't a 'learn to swim' patch.

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Detective Robert Goren: You know I find paranoid schizophrenics make excellent witnesses.

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Detective Robert Goren: [holding up two pickle slices] We're very good at connecting the dots.

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Detective Alexandra Eames: [to Goren] The way she was making googly eyes at you I thought you were getting through to her.

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Detective Robert Goren: Woohoo! Steamy!

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ADA Ron Carver: [Goren is betting Carver 10-1 that a murderer will kill again] 10-1?
Detective Alexandra Eames: I've taken him on before, Mr. Carver. I'm down eighteen bucks.

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Captain James Deakins: Try to curb your enthusiasm.
Detective Robert Goren: I'll curb it when we get this freak locked in a box.

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