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Quotes for
Rose Nylund (Character)
from "The Golden Girls" (1985)

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"The Golden Girls: The Actor (#2.14)" (1987)

Rose: Dorothy, is this a good champagne?
Dorothy: Gee, it's hard to tell... the "2 for $7" sticker is covering the year of the vintage.

Rose: I feel so common, so cheap... so used. How do you usually deal with that Blanche?
Blanche: ...Rose, just for that I'm going to flush the toilet tonight while your taking a shower.

[Sophia has been employed at Captain Jack's Seafood Shanty resturant and is wearing her pirate uniform]
Rose: Sophia, is that a Captain Jack's Seafood Shanty uniform?
Sophia: No, Rose. I'm off to discover the Straits of Magellan. Yo ho!

Patrick Vaughn: Ladies, I'm afraid I don't have the time now. I'm doing another project in town, and I have to meet with the director to discuss the nuances of the character I'll be portraying.
Rose: Oh, I think I read about that. Aren't you playing a tangerine in a television commercial?
Patrick Vaughn: Yes.
Blanche: Ooh, how exciting! Have you ever been a fruit before?
Patrick Vaughn: No, but having been in the musical theater for thirty years, I've had my share of offers.

Patrick Vaughn: So what harm did I do?
Rose: What harm did you do? You lied to everybody!
Blanche: You, sir, are nothin' but a lowdown, carpet-bagging, scallywag! And as God is my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again!
Dorothy: And another thing, you'll never WHAT?

"The Golden Girls: Mixed Blessings (#3.23)" (1988)

Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia walks in and sees Lorraine and her family, of African American decent] What is this a revival of Raisins in the Sun?
Michael Zbornak: Grandma, this is my fiancé, Lorraine, and this is her mother and her two aunts.
Sophia Petrillo: Wait-wait-wait-wait... This is your fiancé?
Michael Zbornak: Yep, that's right.
Sophia Petrillo: You couldn't find someone your own age?
Greta: What is that supposed to mean?
Sophia Petrillo: No offense, but it looks as though you're daughter's been around the block more times then a good humour man!
Greta: [Turns to her sister] Hold my purse - those are fighting words!
Rose Nylund: Stop it all of you! What difference does it make that Lorraine's a little long in the tooth and Michael's a skinny white boy? Can't you see they love each other? We should be celebrating not arguing whether or not it's right. Now what do you say we all join hands and sing a chorus of 'Abraham, Martin and John?'
Greta: Is she for real?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yep - frightening isn't it?

Rose Nylund: [as she and Dorothy look at her reflection after a makeover] Oh my god I look awful! Oh Dorothy - its you!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I'm sorry Rose, I'm sorry - I forgot it was a full-moon.

Rose Nylund: Are you nervous because you haven't met Michael's fiance?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, Rose. I'm nervous because if Sonny Bono gets ellected Mayor of Palm Springs, he's going to make all the postamn wear leather bell bottoms and a fur vest.

Rose Nylund: [Dorothy is unhappy with her son marrying an older, African-American woman] The same thing happened to the Bigbotters back in St. Olaf. You see Gretchen had this thing for Buddy, but Mr. Bigbotter didn't approve - he did his best to keep them apart. But, one day he came home, early, and found Gretchen and Buddy in... how will I say it... most indelicate situation.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What did he do?
Rose Nylund: Well he yelled at them to stop - but they wouldn't so he turned the hose on them!
Blanche Devereaux: He turned the hose on them?
Rose Nylund: Well they were in the front yard!
[Blanche gasps]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Wait - wait - wait a minute, Rose. Buddy and Gretchen - weren't people were they?
Rose Nylund: Of course not - they were dogs! Gretchen was a Dalmation and Buddy was a Schnauzer - and Mr. Bigbotter wasn't too happy when he ended up with a litter of Schnalmations!
Blanche Devereaux: ...You know, Rose, sometimes I wished somebody had turned the hose on your parents.

Rose Nylund: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Better than anybody I know.

"The Golden Girls: The Engagement (#1.1)" (1985)

Sophia: [Late at night, Sophia walks into the living room] Oh its you!
Rose Nylund: Sophia, did we wake you?
Sophia: I heard voices, I thought there were robbers, so I hid my jewels. Now I can't remember where.
Dorothy: Ma, you don't have any jewels!
Sophia: Thank God because I can't find them.

Blanche: [Blanche's first ever lines] Dorothy, can I borrow your mink stole?
Dorothy: It's Miami in June - only cat's are wearing fur!
Rose Nylund: Are you going out?
Dorothy: No, she's going to sit here where its 112 degrees and eat enchiladas.

Rose Nylund: [Dicussing sleep] Charlie on the other hand moves all night long - his side of the bed looks like a murder took place.
Dorothy: Rose, Charlie is dead.
Coco: Why tell her?
Dorothy: Coco, its been 15 years.
Rose Nylund: I know he's dead - I'm not crazy. I just like to speak of him in the present tense, sometimes, it makes him seem closer.
Coco: That's fine Rose, you do that!
Dorothy: Sure Rose - set a place at the table!

Blanche: I just wonder what my husband, George, would make of me and Harry.
Dorothy: Well, if he was alive he probably would not like it. But since he's dead I don't think it poses a problem.
Blanche: Well, I just want him to know I'm happy, but I could never be as happy with Harry in the same way - as I was with him.
Rose Nylund: He knows, Blanche, he knows. Your thoughts and feelings go right to him, you can communicate directly from your heart, can't you, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh don't ask me - I can't get through to New Jersey with MCI.

Blanche: I can't eat anything with eyes.
Rose Nylund: I can't eat anything that moves.
Dorothy: Like what, Rose, horses?
Rose Nylund: Like oysters.
Coco: Oysters don't move.
Dorothy: Coco they could dance! Who cares?
Rose Nylund: Oysters move! Very slowly, you have to watch them.

"The Golden Girls: Transplant (#1.4)" (1985)

Rose: Sophia, if you hated your sister would you clean the house?
Sophia: I'd put Vaseline on the tips of her walker!

Blanche Devereaux: Oh, well the most wonderful thing happened, they found a donor! And excellent match! She was a retired Mormon school teacher.
Rose: Virginia is so lucky!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, I'll say! That kidney was showroom new! Why, the wildest thing that ever passed through there was Ovaltine!

Rose: What would you do?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: For my children, I'd give both my kidneys, I'd cut them out myself.
Rose: Me too, I'd give my heart.
Sophia: I give to all my children, except Phil.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why not Phil?
Sophia: Because he never calls, he never writes, I only hear from him at Christmas when he sends me a cheddar cheese nativity scene. I'm Catholic, I can't spread a wise man on a Ritz cracker.

Rose: [talking about diapers] Remember when we had to use cotton and fish oil?
Sophia: In Sicily they used a leaf and the river.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, you never had a baby in Sicily.
Sophia: I *was* a baby in Sicily.

"The Golden Girls: Scared Straight (#4.9)" (1988)

Rose: We should put out the Welcome mat.
Blanche: We don't have a Welcome mat.
Rose: What about the one Dorothy always says is at the foot of your bed?

[Clayton happened to meet Rose after a failed date and confessed his homosexuality to her, now she is helping him to confess to Blanche]
Rose: Tell her, Clayton.
Clayton Hollingsworth: I will, Rose.
Blanche: Tell me what?
Clayton Hollingsworth: Well, I ran into Rose at the park and...
Blanche: And?
Clayton Hollingsworth: And we had a long talk and...
Blanche: And?
Clayton Hollingsworth: And... we slept together tonight.

Clayton Hollingsworth: I shouldn't have got you mixed up in all this. It's just so hard to tell Blanche the truth.
Rose: Clayton, you're selling your sister short. Now at times Blanche can be very understanding, compassionate and forgiving.
Blanche: [entering the room] Get away from my baby brother you cradle snatchin', empty headed, two faced dummy!
Rose: And then at other times she can be a real bitch.

Blanche: [Blanche and Rose have had a fight and Blanche has gone to a bitter Rose to say "sorry"] Now, Rose, I'm about to say two little words and they are the hardest words for me to say...
Rose: [cutting Blanche off] 'Not tonight?'

"The Golden Girls: The Housekeeper (#3.4)" (1987)

Blanche Devereaux: So, Marguerite, wont you start by telling us a little about yourself.
Marguerite Brown: Well, there isn't much to tell. I'm hard working. Honest. And I'll work for a reasonable wage.
Rose Nylund: That's it?
Marguerite Brown: Alright. I wont go on with this charade any longer. There is something else, I'm black. Now if that's a problem for you, I'm white. Course that'll cost you extra!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Marguerite, I could kiss you!
Marguerite Brown: And I don't go for that freaky stuff.
Rose Nylund: Oh, neither do Dorothy and I.

Sophia Petrillo: So what's all this crap about you putting a curse on my daughter?
Marguerite Brown: What is she talking about?
Sophia Petrillo: Don't play dumb with me. I've been known to cast a curse myself. Do you think Shelley Long was really tired of playing in Cheers? Wrong, baby! I was tired of her!
Marguerite Brown: Is that what you think this is all about? You think I put a curse on you?
Blanche Devereaux: Well, it's true! You got mad at us for firing you, that's why you reversed that love potion you gave me.
Marguerite Brown: Honey, that wasn't love potion. That was Chanel Number 5!
Rose Nylund: I'm not buying that! Dorothy uses Chanel Number 5 all the time and she never attracts men!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [coming onto the lanai carrying a small painted rock] Girls, look what I found under my bed.
Rose Nylund: Gee, that's the most colorful dustball I've ever seen.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: This is no dustball, Rose. I think it may be some kind of charm.
Marguerite Brown: [overhearing] It is! I learned it from my grandmother. You put a specially painted rock beneath a person's bed to bring them a restful sleep.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Are you telling me that you put this under my bed?
Marguerite Brown: Well, I was only trying to be helpful! I figured with those terrible bags you needed the rest.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy always looks like that.
Blanche Devereaux: And besides it'll take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Listen, I have an idea. Why don't each of you take it in turns hitting me with a two by four?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [walking into the kitchen and finding Rose sweeping the floor] Rose why are you cleaning the kitchen? This is Marguerite's job!
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, I know what you're gonna say. But I talked to Marguerite on the phone and this time she has a really good excuse for being late.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine. What is it?
Rose Nylund: She had to go pluck a hair from the chin of a dawrf.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: And you fell for that old excuse?

"The Golden Girls: Like the Beep Beep Beep of the Tom Tom (#5.17)" (1990)

Rose Nylund: [singing] Over there, over there, send the word send the word over there, that the Yanks are coming! The Yanks are coming! The drums rum-tum...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: THAT was the lullaby your mother used to sing?
Rose Nylund: Yes, it was the only song she knew.

Rose Nylund: [about "Over There"] My mother said nobody could be afraid when they hear that song, except for the Kaiser.

Rose Nylund: When I get nervous I put my head between my knees.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, that's for nausea.
Rose Nylund: When I'm scared I'm nauseous. Remember the time that guy tried to steal my purse?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Worked better than mace.

Rose Nylund: You know what I do when I get nervous?
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, you toss your cookies.
Rose Nylund: Besides that, I sing, a lullaby my mother taught me.

"The Golden Girls: Wham, Bam, Thank You, Mammy (#6.5)" (1990)

Rose Nylund: [to Blanche] Blanche, are you alright?
Blanche Devereaux: I'm stunned, I'm just stunned.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, what's wrong?
Blanche Devereaux: That call, it was Viola Watkins, she used to be my Mammy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Your what?
Blanche Devereaux: My Mammy, the woman who took care of me when I was little.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think I ever heard anyone called Mammy before.
Rose Nylund: What about Mrs. Eisenhower?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Mammy Eisenhower... I think only the Nixon kids got to call her that.

Rose Nylund: You know, I had a nanny when I was a child. She was my best friend. I could tell her anything and I'd know she would keep it a secret. We used to spend the days running and playing in the meadow or playing hide and seek in the barn. My nanny treated me like I was her own kid
[tears up]
Rose Nylund: . Excuse me
[leaves room]
Rose Nylund: .
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Upon Rose leaving room] Is there anyone here who doesn't think she was talking about a goat?
[Sophia and Blanche shake heads as no]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: .

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I'm still furious with Ma for hooking me up with that matchmaker.
Rose Nylund: That reminds me of a story about St. Olaf's most famous matchmaker...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, please Rose! Spare me the endless, inane details of how Heidi Flugendugelgurgenplotz successfully matched a bull with a duck!... And how their daughter was a bull-duck who ran a small tattoo parlor in Carmel.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Do I look like I just fell off the back of the turnip truck?
Rose Nylund: No. But you do look like the woman who used to drive it.

"The Golden Girls: Break In (#1.8)" (1985)

Blanche: [Enters covered in flour] They got my jewels.
Dorothy: But I see they didn't get your cocaine.
Rose: Oh my God, Blanche has cocaine?
Blanche: This is flour! I hid my jewels in the flour!

[armed with the gun she bought to protect herself, Rose hears noises from the front door as Blanche and her date are coming in; she shoots towards the door]
Blanche: Rose, you shot my vase.
Rose: I didn't shoot Lester.
Blanche: I'd rather you shot Lester.
Sophia: I manage to live 80, 81 years. I've had pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. One morning I'll belch and Stable Mable here will blow my head off.

Rose: They were probably looking for drugs.
Dorothy: We have Maalox and estrogen. Now how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?

Dorothy: [Trying to calm Rose] Honey, we were robbed. It's scary but it happens. And now it's over, and the robbers are gone.
Rose: [Revealing mental trauma] I know. I know that! I know it's over. I know they're gone, but not for me! For me, in my mind, they'll always be here!

"The Golden Girls: The Way We Met (#1.25)" (1986)

Blanche Devereaux: Hey, I think we'd get along great. I got a feeling you're a wild woman.
Rose Nylund: Oh, you bet I am! I eat raw cookie dough. And occasionally, I run through the sprinklers and don't wear a bathing cap. And at Christmas, I've been known to put away more than one eggnog.

Rose Nylund: I'll make it up to you, Dorothy. I promise. Listen, if there's ever a night where you can't sleep, I'll come to your room and sing "Kumbaya."
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, I don't know what to say. Yes I do... Don't ever do that.

Rose Nylund: This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring War.
Blanche Devereaux: The Great Herring War?
Rose Nylund: Yes, between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, THAT Great Herring War.
Rose Nylund: The two families controlled the most fertile herring waters off the coast of Norway, so naturally, it seemed like it would be in their best interest to band together. Oh, boy, was that a mistake. You see, they couldn't agree on what to do with the herring.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, well that's understandable. I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming.
Rose Nylund: Exactly. The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring, and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus.
Blanche Devereaux: Weren't they kind of hard to see riding on the elephants?
Rose Nylund: Oh, not that kind of circus. A herring circus. Sort of like Sea World, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Uh, tell me, Rose, um... Ah-ha ha ha!... Did they ever shoot a herring out of a cannon?
Rose Nylund: Only once. But they shot him into a tree. After that no other herring would do it.

"The Golden Girls: Blanche and the Younger Man (#1.9)" (1985)

Rose: Hi Blanche! Gee, you look terrific!
Blanche: Thanks!
[leaves]
Rose: [to Dorothy] Blanche looks terrible!

Rose: Now come on, why don't you take a nap while I fix you something to eat?
Alma Lindstrom: Rosey, I'm not a child. I don't need a nap.
Rose: There's nothing wrong with take a nap - Bob Hope takes naps!
Sophia Petrillo: Unless he's in the bedroom, now, taking one I think she'd rather stay here with us.

Rose: I want you all to meet my mother, Mrs. Lindstrom. THIS IS BLANCHE AND THIS IS DOROTHY AND SOPHIA!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: VERY NICE TO MEET YOU. TELL ME HOW WAS YOUR TRIP?
Alma Lindstrom: IT WAS JUST FINE!
[to Rose]
Alma Lindstrom: Which one of them is hard of hearing?

"The Golden Girls: One for the Money (#3.2)" (1987)

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Blanche and Dorothy walking into the kitchen, Dorothy carrying a large pizza box] Hi Rose.
Blanche Devereaux: We brought dinner.
Rose Nylund: What'd ya get?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [still holding pizza box] A bucket of chicken.
[Thunderous laughter from the audience]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I hope you like it extra flat and crispy?
Blanche Devereaux: It's a pizza Rose.
Rose Nylund: I knew that, I meant what kind is it?
Blanche Devereaux: Did you *really* know that?
Rose Nylund: [sarcasticly] No, but I thought I could cover.

Rose: When I was younger I was known as the Dancing Fool.
Dorothy: How old were you when they dropped the "Dancing" part?

[at a dance contest]
Rose: [to her dance partner] You know, this reminds me of the big dance back in St. Olaf to kick off Pretzel Week. My Uncle Gunther, after the Great Beernut Shortage of '29-...
Dorothy: Foul! Foul! Send a judge over here!
[pointing at Rose]
Dorothy: This woman is trying to put us to sleep!

"The Golden Girls: Son-in-Law Dearest (#2.23)" (1987)

Rose Nylund: [Regarding 'I Love Lucy', as Dorothy kicks Blanche and Rose out the living room] What about Lucy?
Blanche Devereaux: We can watch it on the portable in the kitchen.
Rose Nylund: But that sets in black and white!

Rose Nylund: Do you want to watch I Like Lucy with us?
Blanche Devereaux: I Love Lucy.
Rose Nylund: I haven't seen it yet so I don't know how I feel about it.

Blanche Devereaux: Lucy played Lucy.
Rose Nylund: Then who did Desi play?
Blanche Devereaux: Desi played Ricky.
Rose Nylund: Why didn't Desi play Desi?
Blanche Devereaux: Because he wasn't tall enough.

"The Golden Girls: Dorothy's New Friend (#3.15)" (1988)

Blanche: Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.
Barbara Thorndyke: Ah, yes. "So Dark the Waves On Biscayne Bay"
[to Dorothy]
Barbara Thorndyke: I've grown so much as a writer since then.
Blanche: Well, I should hope so!
Dorothy: Blanche!
Barbara Thorndyke: [to Dorothy] It's alright
[patronisingly to Blanche]
Barbara Thorndyke: Did you have a problem with my book, dear?
Blanche: Yes, as a matter of fact I did, all those waves! Big waves. Little waves. Dark waves, rollin' in! Page after page! I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three!
Barbara Thorndyke: Blanche, the waves are a metaphor. You see, a metaphor...
Blanche: I know what a metaphor is, dear. I'm not a dummy.
Rose Nylund: Blanche, what's a metaphor?
Blanche: It's when you use a phrase to mean somethin' else. Like when I say "Men are blinded by my beauty". They're not really blinded. They get their sight back in a day or two!

[Dorothy has announced to the girls that local author Barbara Thorndyke will be their guest that evening]
Rose Nylund: Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow! I've never met a real author before.
Blanche: I have. I once stood in line at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph!
Dorothy: You know, when I think of great literary figures of our time it's usually Faulkner, Fritgerald and...
Blanche: And Schwarzenegger. Yeah.
Rose Nylund: Did he sign your book?
Blanche: Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh!
Dorothy: He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.

Blanche: What was your first impression of me?
Rose Nylund: That you wore too much make-up and were a slut. But I was wrong. You don't wear too much make-up.

"The Golden Girls: Sophia's Wedding: Part 1 (#4.6)" (1988)

Blanche: But before we adjourn our secretary has a real special surprise. A Genuine Elvis artifact.
Rose: It's a partially eaten pork chop.
Dorothy: This has to be a fake, I mean, Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop.
[laughs]
Blanche: Dorothy, you're outta the club.

Blanche: You know what I always hate doing after a party?
Rose: Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?
Blanche: [offended] Cleanin' up the dirty dishes! You twit.

Rose: ...I was always kind of the Gypsy of the family - the rebel! I wanted to see the world - that's why, after High School, I went to St. Gustaf University to study Latin.
Dorothy: I didn't know you studied Latin?
Rose: First in my class!
[smugly]
Rose: Ororthy Day!

"The Golden Girls: Flu Attack (#1.21)" (1986)

Rose Nylund: I just feel a little achey.
Dorothy: What kind of achey? Head-achey, stomach achey, what?

Sophia Petrillo: What're you doing?
Rose Nylund: We're having a group hug, Sophia.
Sophia Petrillo: Well knock it off, the neighbors are going to get the wrong idea.

Blanche: I feel hot.
Dorothy: I feel cold.
Rose Nylund: I feel guilty. This is all my fault.
Dorothy: Oh no Rose, it's all my fault. As soon as I found out you were contagious I should've thrown you out of the house.

"The Golden Girls: 72 Hours (#5.19)" (1990)

Rose: I stopped in a diner and Blanche, there's a egg dish named after you.
Blanche: Really? How are they prepared?
Sophia: Over-easy.

Rose: Oh, God, this waiting is driving me crazy! Blanche, when you were tested, how did you make it through?
Blanche: Just kept it to myself, and acted like a real bitch to everybody else
Rose: No wonder we never knew!

"The Golden Girls: Diamond in the Rough (#2.22)" (1987)

Rose: I found out that Baked Alaska can be baked locally.
Dorothy: Rose I know something else. Mars Bars are made right here on Earth.

Dorothy: Blanche, did it ever occur to you that possibly Rose or I might be interested in Jake?
Blanche Devereaux: Yes.
Rose: And you still used every cheap ploy to nab him before we had a chance?
Blanche Devereaux: Yes!
Dorothy: Then what do you have to say for yourself?
Blanche Devereaux: Damn, I'm good!

"The Golden Girls: Larceny and Old Lace (#3.21)" (1988)

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [about Rocco, Sophia's latest boyfriend] ... Ever since ma started seeing him she's on the phone all the time she stays up all night, last night she came with Niquel on her breath and his surgical stockings in her pocket.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, can I ask you something?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I don't know what it means - I just don't like the possibilities.
Rose Nylund: No - I wanted to ask you - do you think Blanche has been picking on me lately?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I haven't noticed.
Rose Nylund: [Blanche walks in] Hi, Blanche!
Blanche Devereaux: ...Must you always be so cheerful you... empty-headed, Mary Poppins knock-off!
Rose Nylund: [to Dorothy] Let me know if you notice anything.

Rose Nylund: Hi girls... gee what's my diary doing here? Next to a pair of pliers?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, whatever it is you're thinking - it isn't true.
Rose Nylund: Good - then George Bush isn't married to his mother?

"The Golden Girls: Sisters and Other Strangers (#5.21)" (1990)

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [talking about sisters] When I was a little girl I had this doll, Mrs. Dolittle, and Gloria was not supposed to touch...
Sophia Petrillo: Do we have to hear that damn Mrs. Dolittle story again? So your sister broke your doll, it was over 50 years ago.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It was very traumatic. It was my favorite doll.
Rose Nylund: I have a sister story...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And she didn't just break it, she fixed it so the eyes would never close again. She made Mrs. Doolittle look like a morphine addict!

Magda: Now the way it was we knew what to do. When there is one road no one gets lost.
Rose Nylund: Not so, back in St. Olaf...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, is this a story about getting lost?
Rose Nylund: Yes.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well don't tell us, show us.

"The Golden Girls: Bringing Up Baby (#3.3)" (1987)

Rose: [about her pig named Baby] In a lot of ways, he reminds me of Jimmy Dean.
Dorothy: The actor or the sausage?

Rose: [to her pig, Baby] There you are! You get into the kitchen and eat your slop before I spank that little pig fanny!
Sophia: All right, I'm going, I'm going... Oh, sorry. That's the way they used to call us for dinner in the home.

"The Golden Girls: Yokel Hero (#4.4)" (1988)

Rose Nylund: If it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche Devereaux: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose Nylund: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see - there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche Devereaux: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice... Oh god - it's making sense!

[On an airplane flying to Rose's hometown of St. Olaf]
Rose: God, I hate fog!
Sophia: Why? You spent most of your life in one!
Rose: I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see... there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice...
[panicking]
Dorothy: Oh God, it's making SENSE!

"The Golden Girls: Take Him, He's Mine (#2.3)" (1986)

Dorothy: I won't be seeing Geoffrey any more. He's leaving town.
Rose Nylund: I knew it. The minute I heard you were dating a sailor, I said to myself there'll be nothing but heartaches. Those squabbies drift into port, park their diddies on your doorstep, show you some tricks they learnt in the Orient and then it's, "Avast me hearties," and they shove off with a serpent tattoo and your heart as souvenirs.
Dorothy: You've been reading Treasure Island again, Rose.

Sophia Petrillo: Rose, let me gve you a few lessons in economics. Lesson one: quit being an idiot.
Rose Nylund: Ok.
Sophia Petrillo: Lesson number two: the law of supply and demand. Before you supply the sandwihes, you demand the money.
Rose Nylund: Ok.
Sophia Petrillo: Lesson number three: quit being an idiot.

"The Golden Girls: Adult Education (#1.20)" (1986)

Rose Nylund: I got tickets, too! This is such a coincidence. I was driving down Biscayne Boulevard...
Blanche Devereaux: [cuts Rose off] No, no, no, no! Please! I cannot bear that again!
[to Dorothy]
Blanche Devereaux: She was listening to her car radio. Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number, and a dime in a door handle, then bim-bam-boom, she won the tickets!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Take a lesson, Rose. That's how you tell a story.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma! How in the world did you get these?
Sophia Petrillo: Easy. I called Frank. I told you I had connections.
Rose Nylund: You know Frank Sinatra?
Sophia Petrillo: No, Frank Caravicci! From the fish market. He's always been good to me, never a bad piece of cod. He knows Frank.
Blanche Devereaux: Sinatra?
Sophia Petrillo: No, Frank Tortoni, the dry cleaner. Tina's third cousin once removed.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Tina Tortoni?
Sophia Petrillo: Tina Sinatra!

"The Golden Girls: Henny Penny - Straight, No Chaser (#6.26)" (1991)

Rose Nylund: It's time I gave something back to the chicken community. A chicken once saved my life.
Blanche Devereaux: They *are* the dumbest birds.

Rose Nylund: You're not going to believe this, I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like a cotton ball.

"The Golden Girls: The One That Got Away (#4.3)" (1988)

Rose Nylund: [Rose sees Dorothy looking through binoculars] What are you doing, Dorothy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh... looking up at the stars... pondering the universe.
Rose Nylund: I've been doing the same thing... thinking how wonderful it would be if there really were aliens... maybe it'd be just like Cocoon... they'd take us away... and we'd never grown old...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: See, I don't know. I like my life. I mean - I'm not president or anything, I'm just a teacher... a substitute teacher... a divorced substitute teacher... who can't even afford her own place to live - BEAM ME UP!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, there is no such thing as a U.F.O.
Rose Nylund: They were probably looking for someone to bring up to the ship.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine, then you stay out here, flag them down if they fly by again. I'll go inside and pack a bag.
Rose Nylund: But I want to be the one to go!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Whose bag do you think I'm going to pack?

"The Golden Girls: The Accurate Conception (#5.3)" (1989)

Rose: You know, I've read that you can even buy the sperm of Nobel Prize winners. Or is it, Star Search winners?
Blanche: Buy? Well, sperm used to be free, it was all over the place!

Rose: How did things go with the doctor, Sophia?
Sophia Petrillo: He said I had the body of a 40-year-old. A DEAD 40-year-old.

"The Golden Girls: Whose Face Is This, Anyway? (#2.20)" (1987)

[Rose is following Dorothy around with a camcorder]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Will you put that thing down. What do you think you're doing?
Rose Nylund: Well, I'm making a video for my class at the junior college.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, really? Gee it sounds like fun.
Rose Nylund: Oh, I'm glad you think so, cause I want you to be one of the stars!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Rose, I don't think so! You know how uncomfortable I am infront of a camera. Besides I always come out looking like Fess Parker.
Rose Nylund: Don't worry. This is a documentary; it's okay if you're not good looking.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, stop trying to appeal to my ego. The answer is no.

Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche, how do you feel about performing in front of a video camera?
Blanche Devereaux: I think it's okay as long as you've already had at least three dates.

"The Golden Girls: Ladies of the Evening (#2.2)" (1986)

[Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose have been arrested and locked in a police cell after being mistaken for prostitutes - just when they were about to attend a party hosted by Burt Reynolds]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: This has to be the biggest disappointment of my life!
Blanche Devereaux: Yes!
Rose Nylund: Yeah. And I've known some real disappointments too, believe me!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, you're not going to tell us the story about the exploding pig again, are you?
Rose Nylund: I never told you a story about an exploding pig, Dorothy. It was a peg-legged pig! Our possum was the one that exploded.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Forgive me, Rose. There have been so many possum explosions lately, it's hard to keep track.
Blanche Devereaux: So, what was this great disappointment in your life, Rose?
Rose Nylund: Butter. I wanted to be butter queen!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, yeah. What an actress. She was so good in Gone with the Wind. I wanted to be Miss Olivia de havilland myself.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche are you listening to this?
Blanche Devereaux: Bits and pieces.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, thank God you're here!
Sophia Petrillo: Arrested for prostitution! I can't believe it!
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, were innocent!
Sophia Petrillo: I know that. I can't believe these dumb cops would think people would wanna pay money to sleep with you!
Rose Nylund: Sophia, did you come to bail us out?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, Rose! She's dropping off a manacotti with a file in it!

"The Golden Girls: Second Motherhood (#1.19)" (1986)

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, do you know what's behind that, uh, wall that you're banging on?
Rose Nylund: A lateral fusion pipe!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: And do you know what's on the other side of that lateral fusion pipe?
Rose Nylund: No.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: My head!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [trying to lift the toilet up with Rose's help] Oh! Ooh! Wait, wait! No. Honey, she won't budge. Oh, Rose, I don't think we're going to be able to move it.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, now, we can move this toilet.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine. Get me twenty-thousand Hebrews, and I'll have it out of here in no time.

"The Golden Girls: Bedtime Story (#2.17)" (1987)

[Dorothy has just told the story of how Sophia had fallen asleep in her bed whilst nursing her through Bronchitis]
Sophia Petrillo: I wasn't asleep. I was just resting my eyes so you'd leave me alone. I used to do that with your father. It only worked about half of the time. Asleep, awake - didn't matter to him!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Please, Ma. You slept like a baby. I know becasues I spent the whole night awake in that chair.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, it couldn't be any worse than trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench in the middle of a railway station!
Sophia Petrillo: Boy, you do it any place, don't you, Blanche?
Rose Nylund: Blanche is talking about coming home from Edna McCarthy's funeral.
Sophia Petrillo: Edna McCarthy is dead? Oh my God, that's terrible. I just sent her a chain letter. There's a dollar I'll never see!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [as Rose is praying to God, Dorothy has had enough and lowers her voice before she speaks] Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. Now SHUT UP and get into bed.
Rose Nylund: [wide eyed, thinking it's really the voice of God] Amen!

"The Golden Girls: It's a Miserable Life (#2.4)" (1986)

Blanche Devereaux: Mrs Claxton, how lovely it is to see you again.
Frieda Claxton: Who are you?
Blanche Devereaux: I'm your neighbour, Blanche Deveraux.
Frieda Claxton: Oh, yeah. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
Blanche Devereaux: I beg your pardon?
Frieda Claxton: With my binoculars, I have a terrific view in your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.
Blanche Devereaux: You miserable old...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [interrupting] Let's try and get along. Mrs Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.
Frieda Claxton: Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why, you miserable old...
Rose Nylund: [interrupting] Dorothy!

Sophia: When is old lady Claxton's funeral? I want to pay my respects
Dorothy: Pay your respects? I thought you hated her
Sophia: I did. But when a person dies you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs you have respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that.
Rose: I knew that.
Sophia: See?

"The Golden Girls: Yes, We Have No Havanas (#4.1)" (1988)

Rose Nylund: Gee, Sophia! You're awfully cranky today.
Sophia Petrillo: Well, forgive me. But my arthritis is playing me up. My social security check was late. And I realized today I haven't showered with a man in twenty-two years!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, pop's been dead twenty-seven years.
Sophia Petrillo: What's your point?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, what are you saying?
Rose Nylund: Isn't it obvious, Dorothy? She showered with a dead man for five years.

Rose Nylund: Oh girls! Girls - guess what I got...
Sophia Petrillo: Wait a minute!
Rose Nylund: I've got...
Sophia Petrillo: Wait a minute! Why do you always come into a room and say 'Girls! Girls!' Do you see Molly Ringwald sitting here?

"The Golden Girls: Hey, Look Me Over (#7.1)" (1991)

[Rose is preparing to discard the pictures of Charlie in bed with Blanche]
Dorothy: Wait a minute, Rose. Have you seen the rest of these pictures?
Rose: I'd rather not.
Dorothy: Honey, I think there's some mistake. Look, here's Blanche in bed with Charlie, but this one's Blanche in bed with a pontoon boat! Here's Blanche in bed with a big orange from the Sunkist building, and here's Blanche in bed with the Country Bear Jamboree! Honey do you know what this means?
Rose: I sure do!
[to Blanche]
Rose: My god, you're an animal!

Rose: Wait a minute, how come your initials spell B-E-D?
Blanche: Oh that's just my initials, Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.
Dorothy: Your initials spell B.E.D.?

"The Golden Girls: Rose the Prude (#1.3)" (1985)

[Rose is worried about going on a cruise with a man she likes. She worries that she will have to do "it."]
Rose: I haven't slept with another man since Charlie died.
Blanche: Oh, get outta here!
Dorothy: Shut up, Blanche. Not all of us are classified by the Navy as a friendly port!

"The Golden Girls: Love, Rose (#2.10)" (1986)

Dorothy: Oh come on now Rose, don't let this bother you. You'll date again.
Blanche: Of course she will. Honey have you given any thought to advertising?
Rose: Oh Blanche! I could never dress the way you do. Besides, I have to wear undies. Not all my wool skirts are lined.

"The Golden Girls: A Visit from Little Sven (#3.9)" (1987)

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, did anything happen between you and Sven that would make him think that you liked him?
[Blanche seems reluctant to answer]
Sven: You mean you didn't tell them about you kissing me?
Rose Nylund: KISSING him?
Sven: Or stroking my hair?
Rose Nylund: Stroking his hair?
Sven: Or feeding me?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [sees that Rose is speechless] All right, I'll say it. FEEDING him?

"The Golden Girls: Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas (#5.12)" (1989)

Rose: You know, I've been thinking...
Blanche: Well, that would explain the beads of sweat!

"The Golden Girls: Valentine's Day (#4.15)" (1989)

[Blanche, Rose and Dorothy are at a drugstore picking up some last minute supplies before setting out on a Valentine's cruise with their steadies]
Blanche Devereaux: We are giong away on a romantic cruise to the Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy. In this day and age it might be a good idea to take along some protection.
Rose Nylund: What kinda protection?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Two armed Pinkerton guards! No, Blanche is talking about...
[drawing Rose's attention to items on a nearby shelf]
Rose Nylund: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: One over.
Rose Nylund: An enema bag?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: To the right.
Rose Nylund: Dentu Grip?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Condoms, Rose! Condoms! Condoms! Condoms!
Drugstore Clerk: Hey, take it easy lady! You just get out of prison?

"The Golden Girls: Mrs. George Devereaux (#6.9)" (1990)

Rose Nylund: Someone was actually able to deceived me once.
Sophia Petrillo: Do tell, Rose.
Rose Nylund: St. Olaf's most famous OBMAG.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What's that?
Rose Nylund: Obstetrician-Magician. The Amazing Shapiro. He delivered Bridget. But it was so confusing. "It's a girl! Now it's a dove... Now it's a glass of milk." I don't know how he got her in that deck of cards, but there she was right after the King of Hearts. "Is this your baby?"

"The Golden Girls: Beauty and the Beast (#7.3)" (1991)

Blanche: Dorothy, at 2am in the morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller. She walked in on me at the most inopportune time. I could have lost my balance and chipped a tooth.
Rose: You think that's bad? She came into my room when I was reenacting the plank-walking scene from "Peter Pan."
Dorothy: What the hell goes on in this house at night?

"The Golden Girls: Goodbye, Mr. Gordon (#7.15)" (1992)

Blanche Devereaux: [In a fake friendly voice] Rose, could I see you for a moment?
Rose Nylund: [Rose fakes wondering if Blanche meant her, in order to stall for time. Approaches Blanche and Dorothy] You're mad aren't you?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose Nylund, every man I know is watching this show. This live show. This live show about "Lesbian Lovers of Miami".
Rose Nylund: Every man you know is watching? Hey, we could beat "The Price Is Right"!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, we can't kill you here because there are cameras.

"The Golden Girls: The Commitments (#7.16)" (1992)

Blanche Devereaux: [entering the kitchen] I am nothing but a cheap, tawdry slut!
Rose Nylund: [sitting with her back to the door] Don't tell me... Is it Blanche?

"The Golden Girls: Twice in a Lifetime (#5.20)" (1990)

Rose: Is it possible to be in love with two men at the same time?
Blanche: Well, let's set the scene... have we been drinking?

"The Golden Girls: Fiddler on the Ropes (#4.18)" (1989)

Rose Nylund: I still feel guilty about going through Pepe's things.
Blanche Devereaux: Me too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.

"The Golden Girls: Big Daddy (#1.24)" (1986)

Rose Nylund: Oh, Sophia. I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl, one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm...
Sophia Petrillo: [cuts off Rose] Excuse me, Rose. Have I given you any indication at all that I care?

"The Golden Girls: Forgive Me, Father (#2.18)" (1987)

Sophia: Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief.
Rose: Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.
Rose: What was it doing in your bra?
Sophia: I was blowing my breast, Rose.

"The Golden Girls: The Audit (#3.10)" (1987)

Mr. Escobar: ¡Buenos días, señoritas!
Rose Nylund: ¡Buenos días! ¿Cómo está? ¡Queremos todo tu dinero!
Mr. Escobar: [raising hands up] Please! Don't hurt me, just take my money!
Rose Nylund: I'm sorry, I think got my verbs mixed up!

"The Golden Girls: That Was No Lady (#1.14)" (1985)

Dorothy: We spent the evening at a motel.
Rose: A motel! Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, bare-bulbed, den of iniquity?
Dorothy: We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose!

"The Golden Girls: Sick and Tired: Part 1 (#5.1)" (1989)

Rose Nylund: We never had a barbeque in St. Olaf after the tragedy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: ...I guess we have to ask.
Sophia Petrillo: No we don't.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: She'll work it in anyway. What tragedy, Rose?
Rose Nylund: I can't talk about it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine.
Sophia Petrillo: Good.
Rose Nylund: But it had to do with Barbequing elk, a big fire and someone who lost his balace.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Got it.
Sophia Petrillo: Clear a bell.

"The Golden Girls: Dancing in the Dark (#5.6)" (1989)

Blanche Devereaux: Rose, Miles called again. He wants you to meet him outside the concert hall.
Rose Nylund: I asked you to tell him I'm not going.
Blanche Devereaux: I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you, Rose.
Rose Nylund: Well, I don't wanna talk to him. He makes me feel foolish. I don't even feel comfortable telling him St. Olaf stories.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I want to know exactly what he said to make you feel that way.
Rose Nylund: Look, I'm not going out with him. You go, Blanche.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What!
Rose Nylund: Well, you like him, I know you do. So you go.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I couldn't!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Of course che couldn't!
Blanche Devereaux: You stay out of this Dorothy.
Rose Nylund: Well, why not? It's all over betwen us. He'll know that tonight.
Blanche Devereaux: It's impossible. I'd feel like a... like a...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: A backstabbing slut?
Blanche Devereaux: No.
Rose Nylund: Please go. For me. I'll feel better knowing this thing is finally over with.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, since you put it that way. But only as a personal favour to you, honey. I guess I'd better go get dressed
[Blanche exits]
Rose Nylund: [to Dorothy] Can you believe that backstabbing slut?

"The Golden Girls: Zborn Again (#6.7)" (1990)

Blanche: Rose, I refuse to believe you have ever read a scientific journal!
Rose: Believe what you want! See if I care! Hypersexual bitch.

"The Golden Girls: Empty Nests (#2.26)" (1987)

[the girls' friend and neighbour Renee is worried that her doctor husband spends too long at work and doesn't have much time for her]
Blanche Devereaux: Talk to your husband.
Renee Corliss: Blanche at the hospital they call him St. George! I'm married to a saint and I gotta tell him to work less, I'm lonely?
Sophia Petrillo: Dont you think St. Francis of Assissi's wife had a similar problem? Don't you think she said, "Frank, enough donkeys"?
Renee Corliss: So what do I do? Ask George to cut back on his practice because I don't want to eat alone?
Rose Nylund: Oh no, don't do that. I couldn't possibly see another doctor.
Renee Corliss: See.
Rose Nylund: George is the only man to ever see me naked.
Blanche Devereaux: Get outta here.
Rose Nylund: Well, except for Charlie, of course.
Blanche Devereaux: Get outta here.
Rose Nylund: And the vet.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: The vet?
Rose Nylund: Our prize hen Henrietta had some kind of a chicken diosease. I don't know exactly what it was.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Chickenpox.
Rose Nylund: No, I don't think so. Anyway, I had an earache so he saw both of us at the same time.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: For that you got naked?
Rose Nylund: I thought that was strange, too.

"The Golden Girls: Long Day's Journey Into Marinara (#2.19)" (1987)

[Sophia and Angela have just cooked a meal for the entire household]
Blanche Devereaux: Angela, that was the best meal I've ever had in my life.
Angela: Well, how good could it have been? You left half of it.
Blanche Devereaux: I ate every bite!
Angela: There's some sauce left. If you'd really liked it, you'd take a hunk of bread and sop it all up. You can afford it!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, no I cant! I've put on a few pounds, you just haven't noticed.
Angela: What am I blind? I can see that. I meant the bread. You can afford it, it's only 89 cents a loaf.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You two made such a fantastic meal. I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.
Rose Nylund: I made dessert!
Blanche Devereaux: Damn!
Rose Nylund: What you say Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Yum. I said yum
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, is this another one of those Scandanavian viking concoctions?
Rose Nylund: Yes! It's called Geneukenfleuken cake. An ancient recipe but I amercanised it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So one might say you brought "Geneukenfleuken" into the 80s?
Rose Nylund: Yes. But I'm not one to blow my own vetugenfluken.
Sophia Petrillo: I can't even reach mine.

"The Golden Girls: The Monkey Show: Part 2 (#7.9)" (1991)

Rose Nylund: [running a telethon by herself with only Blanche to man the phones] While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head on over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled "I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There."
[plays a piano intro, then sings]
Rose Nylund: Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, Oh what the hell is that...
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, we just got a pledge for twenty dollars.
Rose Nylund: Oh! Let's go to the tote board. Drum roll!
[grabs drum sticks and plays a roll, then hits the cymbal. $20 comes up on the tote board.]
Rose Nylund: We're off to a good start. OK, now where was I? Oh, yes! Where Hans first spots the hair. Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa...
Blanche Devereaux: Rose! Rose, I just got a pledge for fifty dollars if you will stop singing.
Sophia Petrillo: [over the phone to Blanche] That's right. Fifty bucks if she stops singing, and I'll throw in another fifty if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.

"The Golden Girls: Love Me Tender (#4.14)" (1989)

[Blanche and Rose are concluding an afternoon of clothes shopping]
Blanche Devereaux: I just haven't found a thing today. I don't look right in American clothes. I have a more European body.
Rose Nylund: Oh, in Europe do they all have big butts, too?

"The Golden Girls: 'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas (#2.11)" (1986)

Blanche Devereaux: Did I ever tell you girls I met my husband George on Christmas Eve?
Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche! How exciting!
Blanche Devereaux: Let me tell you just how exciting a Christmas Eve can be. I was home from college on Christmas vacation, when my best friend, Lisa Jane Biedler fixed me up with the most beautiful boy I've ever laid my eyes on.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: George.
Blanche Devereaux: No, this was Richard Jay Wilde. And believe me, his name said it all! Huh-huh-huh! We must've pulled over on the side of the road five times on our way to that Christmas dance. Ha-hah!
Rose Nylund: It's always best to drive defensively over the holidays.
Blanche Devereaux: Anyway, when we finally got to the dance, why, Richard dropped me off, and I turned and ran smack into a man so gorgeous he made Richard Jay Wilde look like a pre-pubescent choirboy.
Rose Nylund: George.
Blanche Devereaux: No-no, no. Ernie Willis. Well, Ernie smiled. And the next thing I knew, we were dancing in a local bar. When all of a sudden I heard a deep voice say, "Hm-hm... May I cut in?" Well when I turned, I saw the man I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.
Albert: George.
Blanche Devereaux: Uh, no. No. Thomas Pennville. Uh-huh. Well, after Thomas and I left...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche! I could get herpes listening to this story!

"The Golden Girls: One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest: Part 2 (#7.26)" (1992)

Rose: How was the sex?
Dorothy: So good we named it!

"The Golden Girls: An Illegitimate Concern (#5.18)" (1990)

[Blanche is upset after discovering her late husband had cheated on her in 1967, fathering an illegitimate son he never knew of]
Blanche Devereaux: Why did George cheat on me?
Rose Nylund: Why does any man cheat?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well, there are two poular theories: 1 - Men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programmes their sexual drives.
Blanche Devereaux: What's the other one?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Men are scum.

"The Golden Girls: My Brother, My Father (#3.17)" (1988)

[in an odd situation, Sophia's brother Angelo is visiting, Rose and Blanche are dressed as nuns, and Dorothy and Stan are pretending to be married]
Rose: I'm Sister Rose!
Blanche: And I'm Sister Blanche. We're... uh, going...
[looks at panties in her hands]
Blanche: ...door to door collecting lingerie for... needy sexy people.
Stan: [Stan comes in] I just saw on TV that there's a big hurricane on the way to Miami, and the airports are closed!
Blanche: Aw, *Jesus*!
[catches herself]
Blanche: ...protect us, in this time of great need.
Dorothy: Amen!

"The Golden Girls: Big Daddy's Little Lady (#2.6)" (1986)

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [singing] Miami is nice, so I'll say it twice. Miami is nice! Miami is nice! Miami is nice! Wait a minute, you put in an extra "Miami is nice". The lyrics don't make any sense. It goes "Miami is nice, so I'll say it *twice*."
Rose Nylund: Well what about this: "Miami is nice, so I'll say it thrice!"
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Who the hell says "thrice"?
Rose Nylund: It's a word!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: So is intrauterine, it doesn't belong in a song!
Rose Nylund: [singing] Miami, you're cuter than an intrauterine!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [storms off]

"The Golden Girls: On Golden Girls (#1.6)" (1985)

Rose Nylund: This is like "The Long Day's Journey Into Light".
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: "Night", Rose.
Rose Nylund: 'Night, Dorothy.
[goes off to bed]

"The Golden Girls: Cheaters (#5.22)" (1990)

Rose: I had the strangest dream last night. I was at a baseball game. Charlie Brown was pitching, Shroeder was behind the plate, Lucy and Snoopy were in center field, and they wouldn't let me play. When I woke up, I was crying. What do you think it is?
Dorothy: Peanuts envy?

"The Golden Girls: Bang the Drum, Stanley (#4.5)" (1988)

Rose: [describing Blanche] She's a character. She's also a cheap slut.

"The Golden Girls: Ro$e Love$ Mile$ (#7.10)" (1991)

Rose: [after a date with a very frugal Miles] Lately Miles is so tight!
Blanche: Oh, I love a tight man!
[Begins babbling about men's tight muscles and loses focus]
Blanche: Why, Rose! When did you get in?
Rose: Blanche, I've been here the whole time! I was saying how lately Miles has been really tight.
Blanche: Oh, I love a tight man!

"The Golden Girls: The Auction (#4.11)" (1989)

Blanche: Wait a minute, Rose. Is that my Cabana Club beach towel you have there?
Rose: Is it this one with the naked man and woman being swept up in the waves?
Blanche: Yes, that's it. You can't use this towel.
[takes towel from Rose]
Dorothy: Blanche, Blanche, it's an emergency. We'll replace it next week.
[takes towel from Blanche]
Blanche: Oh, no, you cannot replace this towel. There are too many fond memories attached to this towel.
[attempts to wrest towel from Dorothy]
Dorothy: Blanche, please. I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline, with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold, wet sand!
Blanche: I brought my son, Skippy, home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.
Dorothy: You're lying, Blanche.
Blanche: Damn, you're good.

"The Golden Girls: The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo (#4.2)" (1988)

Blanche Devereaux: He had these long, floppy ears. Kind of like a basset hound. When he came to pick me up for our blind date, I couldn't believe it. He jumped out of the car, and ran up the walk, and bounded up on to the front porch, and I remember thinking, "He's gonna trip on those ears." But he didn't. So there he stood before me introducing himself, and I don't know, I was still so stunned, I just kind of half-muttered a "Howdy-do" and he said, "I beg your pardon? I didn't hear you." Well, I don't know what came over me, but I just blurted out, "Didn't hear me? I think you could pick up Radio Free Europe with those ears!" And you know what he did? He laughed. Well, right then and there I started growing very fond of Mr. Preston Bougainvillea, and over the next several months we saw quite a lot of each other.
Rose Nylund: Oh, that's really very sweet, Blanche.
Blanche Devereaux: I know... By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is directly proportionate to the size of his other... bodily organs?
Rose Nylund: ...What do you mean?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: He had a big, floppy pancreas, Rose.

"The Golden Girls: Mary Has a Little Lamb (#5.13)" (1990)

Dorothy Zbornak: [Sophia enters the kitchen carrying a letter] Oh, hi, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Listen to this, "If I were truly free, o fire of my loins. I'd take you to a paradise in the sun where we could lie naked, bronze body against pearl body, locked in a frenzy of love.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma, who wrote that?
Sophia Petrillo: Merrill Kellog.
Dorothy Zbornak: Merrill... Who's he?
Sophia Petrillo: Ask Blanche. It's her letter.
Dorothy Zbornak: [snatches the letter from Sophia] This is from that guy in prison Blanche has been wtiting to.
Rose Nylund: How are you going to explain this opened letter to Blanche?
Sophia Petrillo: [taking the letter back from Dorothy] Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Blanche Deveraux: [entering the kitchen] Morning girls.
Sophia Petrillo: Morning, Blanche. Rose opened your letter
[hands it to Blanche and leaves]
Rose Nylund: Blanche, I didn't!
Blanche Deveraux: Oh, it's no problem, honey. It's just another letter form Merrill. I'd read it to you anyway. It's not personal.
Dorothy Zbornak: Not personal! Blanche, the man says he wants to lie naked with you on a beach.
Blanche Deveraux: Well, sure. And I wrote him that I wanted to make passionate love to him in a hammock suspended between two Magnolia tees. You know that couldn't possibly happen!
Rose Nylund: Well, maybe if you lose a few pounds.
Blanche Deveraux: [obviously miffed] Shut up, Rose.

"The Golden Girls: Nice and Easy (#1.17)" (1986)

Lucy: Dorothy, Rose, I hope I wasn't too much trouble.
Rose Nylund: Oh, don't be silly.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, we enjoyed having you.
Sophia Petrillo: So did half of Miami.

"The Golden Girls: Blanche's Little Girl (#3.14)" (1988)

Rose: [Blanche is upset after falling out with her daughter] It's not like Blanche to go to bed at eight o'clock.
Sophia: At least not by herself!
Dorothy: She's depressed, Rose.
Rose: Do you think she's depressed because of Rebecca?
Dorothy: No, Rose. She's depressed because Marblehead Manor is only on once a week.
Rose: [pause] Boy, I remember on the farm, when we'd get depressed. Grandma could always cheer us up... she'd take out her dentures and take a healthy swig of the aquarium and then hold a flashlight under a chin, so we could watch the goldfish swim from cheek to cheek... boy we could have watched them all day... but visiting hours were only from ten to four.
[Dorothy and Sophia look on at their eccentric companion]

"The Golden Girls: Sick and Tired: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1989)

Blanche Devereaux: My God! I'm hallucinatin'! I see little balls of sunshine in a bag! Does this mean somethin'?
[holds up a bag of something yellow]
Rose Nylund: Blanche, those are egg yokes.
Blanche Devereaux: [smiling] My brain's gone!
Blanche Devereaux: [a few moments later; same bag of egg yokes] Rose, what is this? Yellow eye balls are starin' at me!

"The Golden Girls: The Case of the Libertine Belle (#7.2)" (1991)

Blanche Devereaux: Ah! Look at the shameless way she's flirtin' with him... Dis-gustin'!
Rose Nylund: You flirted with him.
Blanche Devereaux: I'm from the South. Flirting is part of my heritage.
Rose Nylund: What do you mean?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Her mother was a slut too.

"The Golden Girls: All That Jazz (#5.10)" (1989)

Rose Nylund: [Talking about raising children] The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirstin the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come but I kept putting it off. Finally I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.
Blanche Devereaux: So you told her?
Rose Nylund: No - I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You are kidding, Rose?
Rose Nylund: No! That's how my mother taught me.
Blanche Devereaux: Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about... what a man would look like?
Rose Nylund: It sure did! Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie?... Boy, that bull would have been jealous.

"The Golden Girls: Sisters of the Bride (#6.14)" (1991)

Rose Nylund: Oh!... Well, what's a policeman doing bringing fares from the airport? I know! I bet you do undercover work!
Sophia Petrillo: And I'll bet he does it damn well.
Dorothy: Heh, heh, heh. You'll have to excuse my mother. She, uh, survived a slight stroke which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.

"The Golden Girls: The Triangle (#1.5)" (1985)

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You know something, we are really lucky that we found a doctor who makes house calls.
Rose Nylund: I know! When I was growing up in Minnesota the doctor made house calls all the time, for us and the livestock.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You and the animals had the same doctor?
Rose Nylund: Sure! Worked out fine... until the doctor started drinking hog linament and tried to neuter the Swenson brothers.

"The Golden Girls: The Return of Dorothy's Ex (#1.11)" (1985)

Blanche Devereaux: Oh, take it from me, honey, there is no gentle way to end it with a man. When you're gentle with them, they just don't get the message.
Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche is so right, Dorothy. That was exactly the problem I had with Eddie Parker. He was this real sweet guy who was crazy about me, but I just didn't feel the same way about him. You see, when Charlie went off to war, I went to work for our local USO club. And, that's where I first met Eddie the Aqua Midget.
Blanche Devereaux: He was a blue midget?
Rose Nylund: Don't be ridiculous, he was a diving midget. That was his act. He used to jump off a step ladder into this gigantic punchbowl.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [stifling laughter] S-so, um... what happened?
Rose Nylund: Nothing. He'd just swim to the side and hop out.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I mean, uh... what happened between you and Eddie?
Rose Nylund: We talked a lot between shows, and of course I didn't realize it but he- he was falling for me.
Blanche Devereaux: Didn't have far to fall.
[Dorothy grabs Blanche's hand in an attempt to stifle more laughter]
Rose Nylund: It... it started with little things...
Blanche Devereaux: I bet.
[more stifled laughter]
Rose Nylund: Pretty soon the situation got out of control, and I... I tried to let him down gently...
Blanche Devereaux: You tried to make it short and sweet?
[more stifled laughter]
Rose Nylund: He just wouldn't take no for an answer. So I finally had to tell him straight out that I- I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me. It had nothing to do with his size. It- it was simply that... w-I- I could never become seriously involved with anybody in show business.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [still stifling laughter] Thank you, Rose. I... I don't know what to say... And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.