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Captain Jim Brass: Oh. Hey, Sheriff. I'm glad I caught you. Um...
[
pause]
Captain Jim Brass: I got to take some emergency leave. It's a... it's a family matter.
Sheriff Burdick: I didn't know you had a family.
Captain Jim Brass: Well, you're new, we haven't had a chance to talk. I briefed my lieutenant on my cases. He'll cover for me for a couple of days.
Sheriff Burdick: This is not a good time for family problems. All the narco guys are at a HIDTA conference. I got no backup. I'm still learning the ropes here.
Captain Jim Brass: Well, it's never a good time to have a family problem, Sheriff. Look, I don't ask for time off normally, I'd appreciate the courtesy.
Sheriff Burdick: Do I have a choice here, Jim? Get back here as soon as you can.
Captain Jim Brass: L.A. seems to agree with you.
Captain Annie Kramer: Oh, yeah, well, I couldn't take another Jersey winter. Or another Jersey cop.
Captain Jim Brass: You stay in touch with the old crew?
Captain Annie Kramer: You know, dirty cops don't like to hang with clean ones.
Captain Jim Brass: So that's why they called me squeaky?
Captain Annie Kramer: I thought what you did took a lot of guts. Integrity is hard to come by in vice.
Captain Jim Brass: Yeah, it's the only detail where you're told to drink, gamble and pick up hookers, all the while carrying a gun.
Captain Annie Kramer: Garden of Eden. Temptation kills you, or it compromises you.
Captain Annie Kramer: L.A. has over two hundred criminalists. You got to bring your own guy?
Captain Jim Brass: Well, Rick is like a vampire. He needs to be invited in.
Captain Annie Kramer: If this goes to court, Warrick's going to have to come back and testify.
Warrick Brown: Well, you got beaches, bikinis, free trip to L.A.? I'm down.
Captain Jim Brass: [
answers the phone] Brass.
Sheriff Burdick: Family business? That is a wedding or a funeral, or a bar mitzvah. That is not permission to become a vice cop in another jurisdiction! Get back here now.
Captain Jim Brass: Who you've been talking to?
Sheriff Burdick: Not that it matters. The police chief called me after Judge Peters called him. I hear they do a nice t-bone at Musso's.
Captain Jim Brass: Look, my kid's in trouble, Ben.
Sheriff Burdick: Well, if she's not dead, you get your ass back here.
Captain Jim Brass: Look, write me up for insubordination. I can't come back now.
Dr. Al Robbins: [
to phone] I thought you were asked to come home.
Captain Jim Brass: [
to phone] I'll be home tomorrow.
Dr. Al Robbins: I hope she was worth it.
Captain Jim Brass: What do you mean?
Dr. Al Robbins: I don't know, I mean, you put your career on the line, I assume there's a woman involved.
Captain Jim Brass: What are you, a detective now?
[
Brass and Krammer enter Assistant City Attorney's house to search it]
Todd Piccone: Hey, I just had the floors polished. Will you at least take your shoes off, please?
Captain Jim Brass: I sleep in my shoes, Todd.
Nick Stokes: [
to phone] Did you get his autograph for me?
Captain Jim Brass: [
to phone] You know, actually I did, and if you get me a match, you might be able to meet him at his trial.
Nick Stokes: Do you think that would make his autograph worth more? Or less?
Captain Jim Brass: We ID'd the body and located the husband...
Gil Grissom: Let me guess - downtown, Freemont district?
Captain Jim Brass: You know, I'm not even gonna ask.
Sara Sidle: You're the one who said one, piece of evidence is better than ten eyewitnesses.
Gil Grissom: What do you tape everything I say?
[
Sara shrugs]
Scott Shelton: [
after Sara finds blood that has been wiped clean off the wall] I have no idea how it got there.
Sara Sidle: Oh... How it "got there" was when you shot your wife in the head, wrapped her in a blanket and left her on the side of a mountains!
[
Points her finger in his face]
Scott Shelton: Get that finger out of my face, bitch!
[
He pushes her finger away, and she pushes him back]
Gil Grissom: Sara!
[
Grissom pulls her back]
Sara Sidle: You touch me again, you draw back a stump!
Scott Shelton: Look at her.
Gil Grissom: Sara!
Captain Jim Brass: Can't you control her?
Gil Grissom: Get him out of here, Jim!
Scott Shelton: I told you she was a handful.
Sara Sidle: You don't know a handful!
[
Brass leaves with Scott Shelton]
Gil Grissom: Hey, Sara, what's the matter with you?
Sara Sidle: I am a woman, and I have a *gun* and look how he treated me! I can only *imagine* how he treated his wife!
[
walks away]
Captain Jim Brass: So, you planning a little late-night luau? Roast pig?
Gil Grissom: It's an experiment. Maybe Kaye was dead five days.
Captain Jim Brass: I thought your bugs never made mistakes.
Gil Grissom: They don't. People do. The victim was wrapped in a blanket. Normally a blanket or clothing doesn't impact insect maturation. The insects usually fight their way in anyway. But I examined the folds in Kaye's blanket. She was wrapped tight - -maybe tighter than I realized - -which would have decreased the corpse's exposure to insects.
Captain Jim Brass: So it took longer for the insects to get in there?
Gil Grissom: And deposit their eggs. Maybe two whole days. I've wrapped porky here pretty tight.
Captain Jim Brass: Well, let me ask you this. You killed a pig just for this?
Gil Grissom: This poor ham was already on its way to someone's Christmas dinner table.
Captain Jim Brass: Wouldn't a rabbit be easier?
Gil Grissom: Gotta be a pig. Interestingly, they're the most like humans.
Captain Jim Brass: Yeah, I've been saying that since I was a rookie.
Scott Shelton: [
after Sara discovers blood that has been wiped clean off the wall] I have no idea how it got there.
Sara Sidle: Oh... How it got there was when you shot your wife in the head, wrapped her in a blanket and left her on the side of a mountain. *Dead*!
[
points her finger in his face]
Scott Shelton: Get that finger out of my face!
[
they fight]
Captain Jim Brass: [
shouts] Stop! That's enough!
[
to Grissom]
Captain Jim Brass: Get her under control!
Gil Grissom: [
shouts] Get him out of here, Jim!
Scott Shelton: Told you she was a handful.
Sara Sidle: Oh, you don't know a handful!
Gil Grissom: Hey, Sara, what's the matter with you?
Sara Sidle: I am a woman, and I have a gun and look how he treated me! I can only imagine how he treated his wife!
Scott Shelton: [
after Sara discovers blood that has been wiped clean off the wall] I have no idea how it got there.
Sara Sidle: Oh... How it got there was when you shot your wife in the head, wrapped her in a blanket and left her on the side of a mountain. *Dead*!
[
points her finger in his face]
Scott Shelton: Get that finger out of my face!
[
they fight]
Captain Jim Brass: [
shouts] Stop! That's enough!
Captain Jim Brass: [
to Grissom] Get her under control!
Gil Grissom: [
shouts] Get him out of here, Jim!
Scott Shelton: Told you she was a handful.
Sara Sidle: Oh, you don't know a handful!
Gil Grissom: Hey, Sara, what's the matter with you?
Sara Sidle: I am a woman, and I have a gun and look how he treated me! I can only imagine how he treated his wife!
Catherine Willows: Okay, come on, Jim. Give it up. I know you know something about Grissom and Lady Heather.
Captain Jim Brass: I know something a lot juicier than Grissom and Lady Heather.
Captain Jim Brass: Guess who he called yesterday: Lady Heather.
Catherine Willows: Might have threatened her.
Captain Jim Brass: And we both know how she likes to settle her own scores. I'm gonna get a warrant, but it may take me some time because I have to find a judge who isn't a client of hers.
Catherine Willows: Who found her?
Captain Jim Brass: Guy over there in the ten gallon, Vernon Porter. He's the night watchman. All the employees are required to wear that cowboy getup. That's the job cops get after they retire.
Catherine Willows: You've got something to look forward to Jim.
Captain Jim Brass: Yes, Ma'am.
Captain Jim Brass: [
to Catherine, about Lady Heather] Like a bad penny, some people just keep showing up.
Captain Jim Brass: Welcome to the party.
Catherine Willows: [
to Grissom & Ecklie] What's going on? This is my scene.
Conrad Ecklie: High profile case - woke up the supervisors. All hands on deck, Cath. Grissom's lead on this, he's the senior supervisor... I'm an administrator, I run interference for you guys. Starting with the press.
Gil Grissom: It's nothing personal, Catherine. Cases like these rain down hard, you need all the help you can get.
Catherine Willows: I need help. Not supervision.
Sy Magli: I hear they're using all the backhoes in hell to dig him a new pit.
Captain Jim Brass: We're, uh, focusing on his life here on earth.
[
last lines]
Gil Grissom: Where would you go if you had the connections and the cash to go anywhere you wanted?
Captain Jim Brass: I hear Fiji's nice.
Gil Grissom: Eiger went further. He went all the way back to his childhood.
Captain Jim Brass: Yeah. I think I'd take Fiji.
[
at Lady Heather's front door]
Gil Grissom: I'd like to come in.
Lady Heather: I'm sure you do. Say the magic word.
Captain Jim Brass: Warrant.
Captain Jim Brass: We are going back to Lady Heather's.
Gil Grissom: I can take care of this myself.
Captain Jim Brass: Gil, do me a favor. Get a sport car. It's a lot cheaper and easier to handle.
Captain Jim Brass: [
during the interrogation Lady Heather gets up and walks over to the mirror she knows Grissom is behind] Is it something I said?
Lady Heather: [
staring at Grissom directly through the mirror] I'm disappointed in you, but not surprised. You fear me because I've committed the one unforgivable act.
Captain Jim Brass: No, it's more like two acts... of murder.
Lady Heather: [
still staring at Grissom] I know you. And I know that in your heart you don't believe I did this.
Captain Jim Brass: Lady Heather this has nothing to do with the heart, it's all about the evidence.
Captain Jim Brass: I don't want to waste time screwing around with this nut case. I'm going to get some bleach, and drip it on her until she gives up the location. I mean they can't accuse us of police brutality for that.
Gil Grissom: Somebody likes it cold.
Captain Jim Brass: Las Vegas in May plus global warming.
Captain Jim Brass: What's the matter Gil, lost your interest in dead bodies?
Captain Jim Brass: Let me get this straight, Larry. An old man refuses to let you steal his money, so you jack a Hummer and try to run over his taco stand?
Lawrence Lafontaine: Maybe.
Gil Grissom: I think this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[
first lines]
Officer Metcalf: This is the best taco I ever had.
Gil Grissom: I'm happy for you both.
Captain Jim Brass: What, did you piss off Ecklie again? This is a hit and run. I was expecting Greg Sanders.
Gil Grissom: We're slammed. Everybody's on a case.
Captain Jim Brass: I'm just a phone booth away from changing into my tights and saving the world.
Preston: China was sucking the life out of me. She deserved none of what she wanted and all of what she got in the end. I'm glad it took a long time for her to die. I can only imagine the pain.
Captain Jim Brass: You know, everytime I think about leaving this job, a guy like you comes along and reminds me why I can't.
Gil Grissom: Excuse me. Can you please turn down the house lights and turn on the stage lights?
[
stage light comes onto Grissom]
Gil Grissom: I want to see what he saw right before he died.
Catherine Willows: What do you see?
Gil Grissom: Nothing.
Catherine Willows: What are you looking for?
[
beat]
Gil Grissom: A punchline?
Captain Jim Brass: Ba-dum-bum.
Captain Jim Brass: Did you hear the one about the comedian who died onstage, literally?
Catherine Willows: Ba-dum-bum.
Captain Jim Brass: I'll be here all week.
Captain Jim Brass: How does somebody get into your club with a gun?
Manny: Don't ask me. Ask the metal detector, it's supposed to work.
Gil Grissom: Hey, Grissom you got something stuck on your shoe.
Gil Grissom: [
looks]
Captain Jim Brass: Never mind, it's just Sanders.
Jim Brass: [
after suspect sings to him] Do I look like Paula Abdul to you?
Jim Brass: So the guy in took an arrow through the throat and it prolonged his life?
Dr. Al Robbins: Apparently.
Catherine Willows: And what are the odds of it not hitting any major artery?
Dr. Al Robbins: Whatever comes right before zero.
Captain Jim Brass: Well atleast the driver was sober, I can't say the same about the boatload of high school kids he was driving around town. Listen to the wonderful statements I got, "We go errrr dude goes ahhhh we go bam dude goes wahhh"
Captain Jim Brass: Well then, looks like we have a homicide related road-pizza.
Gil Grissom: Yeah... who ordered it?
Captain Jim Brass: So men shop for a wife. You screen the guys?
Chloe Daniels: You pick up a woman at a bar, does the bartender screen you? You take her home, take her to your bed. How well did you screen her?
Captain Jim Brass: You should be sainted.
Captain Jim Brass: We also found your blood on her parka that she wore to the hospital two years ago.
Ken Wellstone: I can explain that. That was from
[
being interrupted]
Captain Jim Brass: So can we - you beat her, you killed her, you buried her.
LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: The thing is, if something happened to me, I don't think Ellie would, uh... care. So, I'm gonna ask you to do me this favor.
[
Brass slides Grissom some documents]
LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: There's no one I trust more with my life or my death than you.
Jamal: Finders keepers, baby. I gotta bag me some ho's.
Warrick Brown: What drug is he on?
Captain Jim Brass: I don't know. Whatever it is, he either took too much or not enough.
[
Sofia thinks aloud]
Gil Grissom: She talks to herself.
Captain Jim Brass: It works for me.
Captain Jim Brass: Can you get a set of prints off those balloons?
Warrick Brown: I can get a print off of air.
Joe Cavanaugh: What kind of trouble are they in?
Captain Jim Brass: The kind where you stop breathing.
Captain Jim Brass: This is a no-smoking facility.
[
a Magician makes the cigarette disappear]
Captain Jim Brass: When you find that, put it out.
Captain Jim Brass: What kind of training do you get to be an operator?
Rollercoaster Operator: Training? I release the brake. I hit the button. It's green and marked "Start".
Gil Grissom: How are you, Jim? How's your "old" job?
Captain Jim Brass: I can sling scum all day long. You?
Gil Grissom: I curse more.
Gil Grissom: A Harvard professor conducting an experiment asked a bunch of students to watch a basketball game and count the number of times the ball was passed.
Captain Jim Brass: Yeah, groundbreaking.
Gil Grissom: During the game a person dressed in a gorilla suit ran across the court. Afterwards the professor asked the students if they noticed the gorilla. Fifty percent responded, "What gorilla?"
Captain Jim Brass: That's wonderful, Gil. If I see a gorilla, I'll arrest it.
Captain Jim Brass: [
on the appearance of a dead body in the desert] Emaciated, bald, and numbered. What does that remind you of?
Captain Jim Brass: [
checking the beaten Vic's driver's license] Tony Sciarra from Philadelphia.
Grissom: So much for brotherly love.
Captain Jim Brass: He's looking into your whole team. And your ability to lead them.
Gil Grissom: Poor Conrad.
Captain Jim Brass: I hate to tell you, but when it comes to politics, he whips your ass. So watch your back, it's gonna get ugly.
Captain Jim Brass: So, you snuck in the place to grind up a body?
Harold Haskins, Truck Driver: No, I didn't even know what it was 'til it was too late.
Captain Jim Brass: Who, exactly, gave you the, uh, "meat", to grind?
Harold Haskins, Truck Driver: Uh, it was in the, uh, restaurant freezer at the Do Breff.
Captain Jim Brass: [
Pointing at face] See my face? This is me almost believing you.
Captain Jim Brass: So, according to this, you said that you struck the Steven with his staff. You smote him. That isn't true, is it?
George: Yea - no.
Captain Jim Brass: What did you hit him with? Oh, it says here a large rock.
George: Yes.
Captain Jim Brass: No, wait a minute, the branch of a tree.
George: Yes.
Captain Jim Brass: No, a hockey stick.
George: Yes.
Captain Jim Brass: You didn't really kill Steven, did you?
George: No.
Captain Jim Brass: So why'd you confess to murder?
George: Well, I try to live my life according to the 17th proclamation of the Steven, from his second sermon at the Starbucks.
Captain Jim Brass: Oh, I missed that one.
George: "It is better to be agreeable than to be right."
Captain Jim Brass: That's not religion, that's marriage.
George: [
laughs] That's... very...
Captain Jim Brass: So you didn't kill Steven?
George: Yes. No.
Captain Jim Brass: You did?
George: Yes.
Captain Jim Brass: You killed him?
George: No.
Captain Jim Brass: Are you clinically insane or just incredibly annoying?
George: What would you prefer?
LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: Yeah, we got a confession. He didn't choose women's feet. Women's feet chose him.
Dr. Valerie Dino: I don't see what you hope to accomplish. These patients are criminals with severe mental disorders. They're not going to give you a straight answer.
Captain Jim Brass: No one ever does.
Captain Jim Brass: I hate having lunch with you CSIs, you notice everything.
Captain Jim Brass: Forget it Gil, it's Burbank.
Captain Jim Brass: He stopped talking to us after I told him we blew up his house.
Gil Grissom: A girl... in a culvert pipe... at a highway construction site... in the middle of an alfalfa field...
[
turns to Brass]
Gil Grissom: You got anything to add?
Captain Jim Brass: Nothing as poetic.
Captain Jim Brass: You're under arrest for obstructing justice, tampering with state's evidence, and violating seven articles of being scumbag.
Gil Grissom: [
reading an obese victim's shirt] "735"?
Captain Jim Brass: His goal weight?
Captain Jim Brass: Lawyer by day, dominatrix by night. Similar skill sets.
Captain Jim Brass: [
to witness] I'm gonna get right to it, because time is of the essence here. Where did you get that package, bud?
Delivery Man's Attorney: [
to Brass] I'd like to advise my client.
Delivery Man's Attorney: [
to witness] Careful how you answer that, son. This man here's slicker than a snake in the curly green grass.
Captain Jim Brass: [
to witness] He's right. So you'd better be careful.
Catherine Willows: Tequila will always remind me of Seņor Frog's.
LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: Which one?
Catherine Willows: Cancun. My honeymoon. My dime.
LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: Well, if you ever want to go back, it's on me.
Catherine Willows: Is that a proposal?
Captain Jim Brass: All right, let me get this straight: You heard a blast like that coming from your neighbor's and it took you 5 minutes to poke your head out and see what was going on?
Randy Swansiger: I was watching TV!
Captain Jim Brass: Everyone should witness an autopsy on their first night.
[
a suspect is at a convention for people who dress as animals]
Captain Jim Brass: What do we do... put out an A.P.B. on Tom and Jerry?
Captain Jim Brass: You know I think you oughta drop the accent.
Josh Frost: I can't. I'm English.
Captain Jim Brass: Oh.
Captain Jim Brass: Where's Karl?
Janice Cooper: Go to hell.
Suzy: Hi, Max!
Max Sullivan: [
Max tries to hide his face from Suzy, behind a piece of paper money] Hi... Suzy.
[
sighs]
Captain Jim Brass: [
sarcastic high pitch] Hi, Max!
[
a rat has just climbed out of a murder victim's mouth]
Captain Jim Brass: Whoa.
Gil Grissom: I think she just ratted herself out.
[
later, before the victim's autopsy]
Dr. Al Robbins: Heard about the rat. Hope it didn't have any children.
Captain Jim Brass: Were there any disturbances last night? Did you hear screams?
Lady Heather: It's when I don't hear screams that I start to worry.
[
approaching a club]
Guard at Door: Twenty-five dollars. Each.
Captain Jim Brass: [
pointing to his badge] I got a coupon.
Nick Stokes: Who takes a tape recorder with them on vacation?
Captain Jim Brass: Well, I keep one by the bed, in case I dream something useful.
Nick Stokes: Hmmm?
[
looks shocked]
Captain Jim Brass: What? I can't have deep thoughts?
Captain Jim Brass: Nick, what was that shot?
Nick Stokes: Miss.
[
first lines]
[
Catherine and Sara arrive at the crime scene]
Captain Jim Brass: The decedent's name is Christina Adalian, 28. Gunshot to the temple. Her sister is over there, just came in from L.A. When no one answered the door, she looked inside, saw her sister on the floor. The playpen with the baby was next to the body. Police officers kicked in the door.
Captain Jim Brass: I still can't believe you messed up the crime scene.
Gil Grissom: Her body fell out when I opened the door. It happens. We move on.
Captain Jim Brass: Uh-huh. It's gonna bother you all day.
Andy Penmore; Michael Dubois: I'm going to ring that scrawny little neck of hers!
LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: That's not the smartest thing to say to a Homicide Detective.
[
Cath's ex cheated on her]
Catherine Willows: I can tell you first hand, when you don't cheat, you don't suspect.
Captain Jim Brass: Oh, man, I wish I had been married to you.
Catherine Willows: Not a chance.